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It was a visit I dreaded, with good reason. But it was worse than I feared. From the moment I picked my cousin up at the airport, she complained. The airport’s signage is terrible; it is too big, no one knows where to go to get picked up — and on and on and on.
The first evening was relatively calm. But the whining launched into turbo mode the next morning. Tragedy after tragedy: The guest apartment she had rented in my complex has no washcloth, only liquid soap, and the TV doesn’t work! The furniture is shabby!
When she ventured upstairs for breakfast, I had to keep my cat away from her — as she is allergic to cats and plants and flowers and scallops and much more.
“Plan ahead,” advises Dena Sorokin, a Denver-based psychologist in private practice, from her experience with requests from annoying wanna-be visitors. “You have prior experience with this person, so be very clear about arrangements, expectations and length of time.” Sorokin stresses that it is not necessary to make up “white lies” if you simply do not want the prospective visitor to come. “You can just say, ‘I don’t feel comfortable having overnight guests.' If they insist, just keep repeating the same words. The more they push, the more you know you are correct in saying no!"
In my case, I had no need to take care of my cousin. Rather, I should have clarified before the visit about my own lifestyle and asked about her expectations. “Make it clear,” advises Sorokin. “Do they expect you to chauffeur them around? Make their meals? We are brought up to be ‘nice’ and ‘polite.’ That can lead to a lot of problems.” She notes that this topic comes up all too often with her clients. “Be direct!" she cautions.
When I took my cousin to my favorite ice cream shop, she sampled five or six different flavors (all “too sweet"). The manager finally stood up to her. “Well, this is an ice cream and candy shop. Of course, they are sweet.”
I took her to a lovely, air-conditioned bistro, where the woman next to her had committed the crime of wearing perfume. “Doesn’t she realize that some of us have asthma?" she whispered all too loudly.
The final morning, I took her to her car rental site and felt liberated.
I decided that the silver lining is to be happy that I am not like her, that I don’t live near her and, most of all, that I do not plan to ever see her again!
My friend Lori invited an old friend to visit, and we shared some of our stories of annoying visitors. The friend came to her home for four days, and was rude, bossy, critical and impatient. “I wasn’t super looking forward to the visit, but I invited her out of maybe guilt because I had turned down taking a trip with her due to expenses,” recalls Lori. “I didn’t think it was going to be as bad as it was.”
Be careful what you volunteer or offer, as is good advice for much in life, and certainly when thinking about houseguests. As Sorokin notes, “Always give yourself the chance to think about it before making decisions!”
I’ve heard from other friends that this term limit works: Tell potential visitors (you know, those who aren’t super annoying) that you have a 72-hour rule. The maximum stay is three nights, and they should plan on arriving on the first day after lunch. On the day of departure, they should book an early afternoon flight.
It's up to you how many meals you want to prepare, though I recommend a night on the town at a favorite restaurant. A good guest will offer to pick up the tab, which relieves you of having to clean and cook. (Good guests, though, also offer to help with cleaning and cooking.)
If you live near an airport, perhaps you can offer to pick up and drop off, though it is perfectly okay to suggest they find their own transportation. If they say, “We will Uber,” and you don’t want to be a chauffeur, suggest a car rental.
As for me, I do not like to be a houseguest, unless it is somewhere akin to Downton Abbey, with my own wing of the mansion. Rather, I opt for renting a home or staying in a hotel. Why? I want my coffee dark, and I want plenty of it when I wake up. I want my own clean bathroom. I want to eat when I am hungry, not to wait for my host to be hungry.
Sometimes, however, friends and relatives can be disappointed, hurt or even offended if visitors don’t stay with them. Once again, I second Sorokin: just say “I don’t feel comfortable, sorry. But I do want to see you.”
Final tip — if you find yourself with an accelerated heart rate when you get that email or call from a difficult friend or loved one who wants to stay at your home, that’s your cue to “just say no."
How do you feel about friends and relatives staying with you? Let us know in the comments below.
Hugo Herrera
Follow Article Topics: Relationships
