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On Sunday mornings, I have a choice to make: I can pull out the cast-iron frying pan and line it with thick strips of bacon or brush my teeth and remind my partner that we have an appointment for sex.
He's 66, and I'm 63. Both of us are relatively fit with no significant medical issues. Still, spontaneity is a thing of the past.
My partner has a demanding job, and I spend long hours writing. Pressure and self-doubt fill our agendas. The last thing we want is to bring those same feelings into the bedroom — a place meant for pleasure, release and rest.
The truth is, his libido sputtered first, leaving me feeling lonely and rejected. I thought if my man wasn't chasing me around the bed, there must be something wrong with me. But it wasn't long before my appetite for sex fizzled as well.
I approached desire as I always had, believing it had to be spontaneous to be "normal." As I got older, still thinking sex should be automatic, being "not in the mood" felt like failure.
Months went by without so much as a lingering kiss between us. At 60, I thought our romance pilot light had gone out for good.
The story I told myself was a myth that Emily Nagoski debunks in her book Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connection. Nagoski's research illustrates that the white-heat-gotta-have-it-now feeling I wanted was actually "not associated with great sex in a long-term relationship."
This can't be it, though? We're too young! I had a hard conversation with my partner of 17 years. He said he still wanted "it" but wasn't confident that smoke would turn to fire. So, we shopped for medications and over-the-counter preparations.
With our purchases, he could rise to the occasion, and I could overcome the painful vaginal dryness that came with menopause. But no amount of lubricant could grease the wheels of our rusting desire. We felt like we were letting each other down.
Talk therapy helped us reaffirm that we wanted each other "enough" to make a more concerted effort. It also helped us better communicate what we wanted in our relationship — and in bed. While it might be fun for some, we didn't experiment with porn or toys. It was getting on the same page that stoked the embers of our sex life.
We sat in front of the glowing woodstove one winter evening and consulted our calendars.
"Scheduling intimate times together was better than leaving things to chance," writes octogenarian Carmelene Melanie Siani in a recent essay for The Ethel. Writing about pleasure and sex in her 80s, Carmelene points out that she and her husband "consciously decided" to keep their marriage "physical."
My partner and I were also intentional. With our scheduling apps open, we asked, "What day of the week are we most relaxed?" "When do we enjoy sex the most?" "How frequently do we need to 'meet' to achieve our objective?"
Most importantly, we needed to agree on our objective. Yes, we wanted to be naked. Blazing orgasms would be great too. But above all else, we wanted to reconnect as lovers, not just as roommates with bad habits.
The following Sunday morning, after coffee and brushing our teeth, we relit the fire.
For weeks after, my partner and I returned to bed on Sunday mornings (whether we had intercourse or not). I felt closer to him, and he has been more present and open with me. We laugh more easily, and we continue to touch and say, "I love you" more often than "Did you walk the dog?"
We don't schedule every week or send Outlook invitations. He might mute the TV on Thursday night and wink, "Want to get naked this weekend?" Or I'll raise my eyebrows as I brush by him on the way to my office and say, "Sunday. Be there, hot stuff."
The anticipation is fun — a slow burn with lots of flirting for days, most of the time. On difficult weeks, Sunday's "sexy time" can loom over us like a party invitation you wish you had declined.
That's where responsive desire comes in.
"Responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure," says Nagoski. "It's not a 'spark' feeling but rather an openness to exploring pleasure and seeing where it goes."
Sometimes it goes nowhere.
I've learned that true intimacy doesn't come from "coming together." My partner and I have grown closer because we've committed to a physical relationship.
We schedule sex not because it feels like an obligation, or because we're old. We choose to go back to bed, skin to skin, and allow our bodies to heat up — maybe even sizzle. And if they don't? We get dressed and make bacon.
What do YOU think about scheduling sex? Would you ever try it? Let us know in the comments below.
Follow Article Topics: Sex-&-Intimacy
