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A long, long time ago, I stopped having sex with my husband because I “just didn’t feel like it.”
And I didn’t think it was important.
And I was tired and “not in the mood.”
And he’s not a jerk; he didn’t push me.
When we first got together, we were horny for each other, and I often orgasmed when we had our sexy sessions, but usually not during intercourse itself. In my mind, fooling around was for me what sex was for him.
Until it wasn’t.
Two young kids meant four years of breastfeeding and essentially no sex for him (not even foreplay). I was receiving physical intimacy from my kids and had re-upped my on-again, off-again love affair with sugar, a failsafe comfort fix.
The closeness I had with my husband was replaced by a closeness with food and with the children. And then there’s the constant distraction of combining childcare with my career as a love and dating coach.
The sexlessness didn’t even seem strange to me until I hired a coach to help me in my business, who gasped in horror when I described my marriage. Knowing I loved my husband and had no plans for divorce, she asked if I was sure I wanted to tank my marriage. Then it was my turn to be shocked.
I had no idea it was that level of emergency.
Then she said something I will never forget because it burst my bubble so thoroughly and made me question my logic about everything:
“Sex is the only thing that differentiates your relationship from a friendship.”
It was like a loose screw suddenly tightening, and I had to ask myself: was I allowing my husband to turn into “just a friend,” or maybe a friend and a business partner (i.e., house manager and co-parent)? And, if so, what would be the cost to him and to me?
Spoiler alert: I only fully understood the cost when I started having sex with him again.
Sexless marriages are increasingly common despite the impact it has on emotional intimacy. The numbers get higher as we age. New data from the National Social Life, Health, and Aging Project (NSHAP) shows that about 43 percent of partnered older adults (ages 57–85) reported no sexual activity in the past year.
So why did I start having sex again?
To put it simply, I wanted to save my marriage. I wanted to feel close again, I wanted to do something for my husband, and I wanted our relationship to be more than a friendship; I wanted it to feel special.
It worked. To save my marriage, I also had to stop interrupting my husband and learn how to listen to his entire sentences, rather than cutting him off mid-thought to make my point. But to get the good vibes back, sex did the trick. I had no idea what I was missing!
Since I committed myself to having sex again as I progressed into midlife, suddenly I was compelled to make sure it was both efficient (still had those kids around) and pleasurable for me.
Flash forward to peri-menopause, when exhaustion and raggedness overtook me. My kids were still semi-dependent, my parents were becoming more dependent by the day, and they were dying. This felt like the most emotionally trying time yet. And I had a dry vagina, achy joints, little sleep and hot flashes too!
The right lube and clitoris stimulant handled the dryness. I couldn’t believe how later-life sex could be so much fun and relaxing — and how it made my husband so happy.
With a recharged physical and emotional connection, we now had a new adventure to embark on together. How to make our genitals work well when they do not feel the same.
The first thing I did was dive into a rabbit hole of research about how to fix my problems. Luckily, I am still close friends with the life coach who shook me out of my stupor all those years ago, and she has shaken me up again. She cut me off from further research and insisted I reframe my thinking immediately.
I realized that menopause is a portal and it’s a transition into the best (longest) stage of my life. Anything that’s not working like it used to is an opportunity to create greater intimacy. First with myself because I have to learn about my body, inside and out, all over again. Most importantly,
We’re both over 50 now, and the sex is the best it's ever been. And it’s because we’re older. It’s because we know our bodies better and have become more accepting of them. And, it’s because we’ve committed ourselves to honest, intimate, vulnerable communication — and regular sex. Oh yes, and no more fear of getting pregnant or little kids running around!
I’m telling you what a wise woman once told me, and now I tell my clients: It’s never too late to start up your sex life again — and make it great.
Have any of you struggled to keep your sex life alive as you age? What's worked? Let us know in the comments below.
Hua Ye
