In Our 80s, Here's What My Boyfriend and I Decided to Do

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When 89-year-old Phil and I, three years younger, first talked about moving in together, we asked friends and family for their opinions. Naysayers worried that we were “having a serious case of dementia.’’ One friend asked why I wanted to be a “nurse with a purse,’ a decades-old expression referring to caring for an old man who might also be financially needy. (I wondered what they would call a man who would care for his girlfriend if needed.)

A few, like my widowed friends Sheila and Arthur, both in their early 90s, offered more positive thoughts. Six years earlier, the widowed couple sold their homes and moved together into an independent senior living community. “It wasn’t easy at first,’’ said Sheila during our girls’ lunch together. “Arthur’s son feared that his dad was setting a bad example for his 20-year-old grandson.’’ But now, everyone is on board, she added, “That young man is living with his girlfriend!”

Moving in together is a big step at any age, but for Phil and me, two folks in the sunset of our lives with the clock ticking more quickly than we’d like to admit, decisions needed to be carefully evaluated. To that point, we made a list of pros and cons, including issues that could arise unexpectedly. If, for example, Phil got seriously ill, would I be able to step up to the plate and be his caretaker?

And what if I got ill; would he be able to care for me? Both of us, fortunately, have long-term health insurance policies, which would help defray the costs for an aide to help us if needed.

No one can predict the future, but here are some of the pros and pitfalls of our decision-making process that helped us decide. Friends wonder why we don’t worry about tomorrow. But our combined lifetime experiences have made us realize that the future is now.

First and foremost, it was crucial that our families supported our decision. My son-in-law, Marc, said that seeing the two of us holding hands and speaking kindly to each other made him ask why we hadn’t done so earlier.

One of Phil’s daughters agreed, but having gone through a divorce in her earlier life, she advised us to seek legal counsel regarding our finances. To that end, we have put everything in writing in our contract. We have also noted who pays for what and when.

My friend Evelyn commented that, as much as you plan, when it comes to money, your children are keeping an eye on their possible inheritances. She should know. She had been living with her 82-year-old boyfriend in his house when, after three years of togetherness, he unexpectedly passed away.

Since she had no written contract allowing her to remain in his house for an extended period of time, the boyfriend’s children rather unkindly showed her the door.

Because Phil’s apartment is larger than mine, I will move into his. We have both signed documents as to what to do when one dies and what the other person’s responsibility is to maintain the apartment. (But every case is different, so check with an attorney as to what is right for you.)

So why would I even entertain the thought of living together rather than continue with what we have now, which is commonly referred to as LAT or Living Apart Together? Let’s start at the beginning. Both widowed for many years, we’ve kept our homes separate. We liked our independence. Phil has his interests; I have mine.

Slowly, I can’t explain how it happened (nor can he), we began having occasional overnight dates. After a year or so, we enjoyed a weekend together, whether it was to socialize with friends or spend an afternoon at the beach.

Now five years into our relationship, I’m most happy when I cuddle in bed with Phil, and sad when the weekend is over and I return to my home. But, without warning, the decision to live together came one day, not long ago, as I was leaving Phil’s house.

I felt sad to go and ran back to his apartment to give him a hug. I didn’t have to go very far as Phil was coming back outside to embrace me as well. At that moment, there was no more thinking about what to do, no more what if this or that happens, only the joy of being together.

Okay, before you think I’m a bit too old and perhaps too foolish, rest assured that Phil and I did more homework than just paying attention to our finances. Enter Dr. David Abrams, a Palm Beach psychologist with whom we sought counseling to help us see if we were heading in the right direction.

At first, he talked about the pleasurable aspects of a physical/intimate, loving relationship at any age. Phil and I are on the right path, he added, as he encourages older couples to find pleasurable moments to share things such as cuddling, watching movies together, or just enjoying a candlelit meal.

We also discussed the importance of finding time to separate from each other, as both of us are used to living alone. My early morning routine is spent at the gym; Phil likes a leisurely breakfast, reading the financial news and world events. We get together in the late afternoon, relaxing with a glass of wine and sharing our thoughts about our friends and families, even the gossip in our Florida senior living community.

Before we left, Dr. Abrams asked each of us what we liked about the other. Phi’s answer came quickly: “She’s my best friend. I can tell her anything, and it's all OK.”

I had to think a little longer, then had difficulty holding back the tears when I said, “I don’t walk the way I used to, my belly bulges and my face is full of wrinkles. But when he looks at me, none of that matters. I just feel special."


Did any of you find love later in life? Did you move in with someone later in life? Let us know in the comments below.