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When my husband recently left his longtime medical practice, he didn't use the word "retire." He said he wanted to start a new chapter. Neither of us realized how much it would change our 40-plus-year marriage — and all for the better!
Ron spent his career leaving the house early and coming back late, answering calls at any hour and rushing into the hospital in the middle of the night. I resented his long hours but also knew that patients treasured him as a wise and caring internist. When he announced his practice would end, gifts, cards and entreaties to stay poured in. He was moved — but he had a sense that life could offer something new. Among other things, we wanted to spend more time together.
Like any spouse, I felt a little anxious about what would happen. I figured the comfortable grooves of marriage wouldn’t change much, and we’d still have to face dirty dishes each night. Instead, we’ve been able to find a different flow to life. With the right attitude, you can forge your own new path, too.
Rediscover Adventure
Ron's last day of work came shortly before the publication of my recent book, What Your Body Knows About Happiness: How to Use Your Body to Change Your Mind. With my previous books, I dashed from city to city on book tours, barely spending a day on the ground in each spot. But this time, we decided Ron would accompany me, and we'd make it fun.
Our first stop was in Phoenix, and we decided to indulge by staying for a few days in a beautiful hotel. We had leisurely breakfasts, swam in the sunny pools and walked around the beautiful gardens. Ron came to my talk at a local bookstore, and the rest of the time, we explored the local area and took easy hikes. With nothing to rush home to and no anxiety about work, the vibe between us subtly changed. At dinner one night, we ordered champagne, held hands across the table and shared several kisses.
“Any chance you’re newlyweds?” the waiter asked.
“New marriage this month,” Ron said with a big smile. “Second chance at love.”
I laughed, but Ron had it right. People change over the years, and when we were released from the pressures of work, we could remake our relationship with the love and appreciation we felt right now. Back in our room that night, our flirting at dinner led to luxurious romping. (Maybe the elegant sheets helped, too.) We felt grateful for our time together and didn’t want to miss out on anything.
Find New Outlets
Many people worry about having a spouse around more, fearing the loss of independence or space. Back home, we found a balance between shared experiences and individual pursuits. We learned we can be in the same place and still have our own lives. During the day, Ron might get involved in his woodworking, play the piano or do one of his many athletic activities.
In the evening, we reconnect to have a relaxed dinner or just sit on the deck and try to identify the distant sounds of birds. One night, we wrapped up in blankets on lounge chairs as the sky got dark and looked at the stars. Yes, we argued over shooting stars versus satellites. Though when you remember that your goal is just to have fun, good spirits can transform any situation.
Long-married couples often fall into a complacency that feels comfortable but can also be boring. If you don’t want to constantly re-tell the same stories and finish each other’s sentences, make sure you find new adventures — both alone and together. The new experiences wake up all your senses and give you something fresh to talk about.
Not every day has to be magical. We can have fun wandering through a local farmers’ market or spending time with our wonderful grandchildren. Being older means we know how important it is to try to find joy in every event. I sometimes think about how much energy we wasted in the past with the silly arguments and anger that rear up in every marriage. We don’t have time for that anymore.
Appreciate Your Partner
To have a new marriage with the same person, you also have to be willing to see them with fresh eyes. In the dailiness of life and family, it’s easy to forget what you love and appreciate about your partner. Now is the time to give up the criticisms and complaining that can cloud any marriage. I learned so much about gratitude from my own book, The Gratitude Diaries, and now I tell Ron as often as I can something positive that I like about him. He does the same for me. It’s not a formula, and you don’t have to do it every day. Though vocal appreciation of your partner makes both of you happier.
We spend a lot of time laughing now. Being relaxed and without the stressors of his patients makes it much easier for Ron to see the humorous side of any situation. He’s always made me laugh, and now our inside jokes can seem so hilarious that we both end up roaring uncontrollably. I’d try to tell you one of our jokes, but it wouldn’t work since they’re really about shared memories.
Having fresh eyes also means knowing that it’s okay for someone to change. I’ve been the dinner cook for most of our marriage, and recently Ron has been experimenting with recipes. At first, he would tentatively make a meal just for himself when I wasn’t home. Now we’ve discovered that he enjoys creating in the kitchen and is delighted to have the time to become a gourmet cook. Turning chef duty over to him gives a new surprise twist to our longtime patterns.
We were very young when we got married, and we’re different people now. Without work getting in the way, we have the deep satisfaction that comes from discovering each other anew every single day. We know that many people don’t have the joy of getting older with a longtime partner, and that makes us even more grateful for the new chapter we can write together.
Romance is supposed to be best when you’re young, but I’m thrilled by these grow-old-along-with-me days of laughter, adventure, and re-ignited passion.
Do any of you have a partner who has retired? How has it changed your life? Let us know in the comments below.
Naomi Elliott
Follow Article Topics: Marriage
