My Rough Encounter With an Adult Mean Girl

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When you’re 68 and dating a 78-year-old widower, you're also dating his family and his past. This means dealing with all the beautiful and challenging baggage that comes with his full life and your own full life, too.

None of this gave me pause when I started dating Dan six years ago — until I met the sister of Dan’s late wife. We’ll call her Candace.

The first time Candace met me, we had an enjoyable brunch. Then she pulled me aside and whispered, “I think you should know that Dan’s daughters are upset about the time he spends with your daughters.”

Hmmmm. What? Dan’s daughters are adults with their own families, and he had barely spent any time with my daughters. What was this really about?

I wrote Candace a note, acknowledging her grief. I didn’t acknowledge what I suspected: she had used “concern” to camouflage a jab at me. She wanted to keep me in “my place” — that is, not her late sister’s place.

Last year at a family gathering, I noted how adorable Dan’s toddler granddaughter is, and said to Candace, “It must be so hard without your sister here.”

Candace shot me a nasty look and jeered: “Of course it is! Geez!”

I left the room. I’ve had enough therapy to understand she was being mean to me because of her own pain.

As therapist Connie Ingram, who practices in Royal Palm Beach, FL., says: “Mean girls, like all bullies, are emotionally immature. They seek out those they consider vulnerable and look for some sort of power imbalance to make themselves appear superior.”

The technical term for Candace’s behavior is “relational aggression,” which psychologist Amber Tichenor defines as “a form of bullying where harm is caused by damaging relationships or social status rather than through physical violence.”

It’s indirect emotional manipulation, meant to catch the target off guard.

“It leaves you thinking ‘what the hell just happened?’” says Tichenor, a Richmond, VA.-based expert in workplace relationships who recently published a workbook called Mean Girls Suck: A Survival Guide to Relational Female Aggression.

If you’ve ever experienced passive-aggressive digs, the cold shoulder, sabotage or conditional friendship, that’s relational aggression.

If a mean girl thinks you’re shining brighter than she is, that’s a threat to her, Tichenor explains, so she may snipe. And mean girls don’t usually change when they become old ladies.

“Mean girls graduate into boardrooms, book clubs, mom circles and neighborhood groups,” Tichenor says. “The tactics may be more subtle (than physical violence) — but the pain is just as real.”

So, what should you do if a mean girl targets you?

Ask yourself: What is this relationship worth to me?

I’m polite to Candace at family events. She’s smart, and I enjoy discussing current affairs with her. But that’s as far as I need to go.

Let’s say, however, that the mean girl is your boss, or a childhood friend you would hate to lose. These relationships are more complicated, and also so common that their dramas show up frequently on TV and in movies.

Did you watch this season of White Lotus and notice the toxic blond trio — childhood friends, now in their 40s, who decide to reconnect with a vacation in Thailand?

Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan) is a famous actress dating a younger man. Kate (Leslie Bibb) extols her beautiful life with her husband in Texas. And Laurie, a divorced attorney played by Carrie Coon, appears as frazzled as her humidity-puffed hair. When the three dine together, they talk nice — but as soon as one of them leaves, the other two trash her.

By the finale, secrets have been revealed, they drop their facades, and Laurie delivers a monologue that ended up going viral:

“I don’t need religion or God to give my life meaning, because time gives it meaning. We started this life together … And I look at you guys and it feels meaningful, and I can’t explain it, but even when we’re just sitting around the pool talking about whatever inane shit, it still feels very f-ing deep … I am just happy to be at the table.”

Understand why “relational aggression” hurts.

“It attacks our sense of belonging,” Tichenor says. “It makes us question our worth, instincts, and even our sanity. Many women who experience it feel isolated, confused and betrayed — especially when the aggressor was once a friend.”

This happened to my friend Jen, who became the target of a mean girl at work, whom we’ll call Julie. Julie was Jen’s friend for years — then Julie got a promotion, and she “needed a dog to kick,” Jen laments.

She dismissed Jen’s work questions with “I have more important things to do.” She accused Jen of petty things, like stealing some chicken salad she had left in the break room.

“I tried to be polite, but she got offended over everything,” Jen recalls. And because “confrontation is not in my nature,” Jen retreated to her office. She retired early.

Mean girls create real pain that “doesn’t just bruise your ego — it impacts your career, confidence and willingness to trust again,” Tichenor says.

If you must deal with a mean girl, be kind and direct.

Ask her for clarity, such as, “Candace, is there something else you’d like to say?” Or, “I feel our communication isn’t as good as it could be. What can I do to improve it?”

Mean girls are usually caught off guard if you address their behavior, and they will often deny any issues. If the mean girl is your boss, “document, document, document” her behavior, Tichenor says.

Remember: Women who love themselves love other women.

Lack of self-esteem is the root of mean girls’ behavior, Tichenor says. They sometimes seek therapy when they realize they don’t have any friends, Connie Ingram adds. But instead of looking inward, they often blame others. “They say they want to change, but what they really want is for everyone else to change. They want everyone else to make them feel accepted, approved, loved and cared for. “

That’s not how personal growth works. So, if you’re confronted by a mean girl, know that her behavior is not about you.

Have YOU ever had to deal with a mean girl? Let us know in the comments below.