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Years ago, my close group of college friends made an annual trip “down the shore” to stay at my friend Carolyn’s family beach house. It was always a fabulous time: cooking together, drinking wine, gossiping about people we’d randomly run into from our sorority. After long afternoons sunbathing and swapping beauty magazines, we’d stay up late, talking into the wee hours. Our core group of four had a good thing going — until we didn’t.
Life pulled us in different directions. Carolyn left New York City to start a family with her husband in rural Michigan. Denise eventually followed suit — except by way of Alexandria, Virginia, with a man none of us had gotten to know before she moved. That placed even more distance between us, and not just the physical kind. Lauren and I stayed in the city, and we still met regularly for drinks, dinners and museum dates. But the annual beach trip was dead in the water, and our group chat quietly disappeared like a forgotten app.
I thought I’d come to terms with that group’s natural demise — until one day, scrolling Facebook, I saw a group of old classmates, arms looped around each other, sipping cocktails on some European vacation.
Apparently, their group had stayed close. Mine hadn’t.
And it wasn’t just that one group. I started to think about all the friend groups I’ve lost over the years: the first-job crew that slowly unraveled as people found new roles and new work friends. The running group that faded as our paces and life stages changed. The dinner-club couples’ circle that dissolved after a few cross-country moves. I realized I’d become quietly envious of those friend groups who had managed to hold on — despite the chaos, the relocations, the curveballs.
Michelle Cantrell, a licensed professional clinical counselor based in Pasadena, California, suggested I might not have given myself time to grieve the loss of these friend groups. “It’s okay to actually make room for that grief,” she told me.
“We experience so many shifting relationships as we move through life, especially in midlife. There’s no shame in feeling a sense of loss when a friend group fades,” Cantrell says. This reminds me that there’s no one-size-fits-all template for friendship. Having a tight-knit group chat isn’t necessarily better than having one or two deeply connected friendships. “What matters most for our well-being is knowing we have a few people in our lives who have our backs — and we have theirs,” adds Cantrell.
And yet, despite that reassurance, the cultural emphasis on group friendships, especially among women, can still make solo friendships feel like a consolation prize. Cantrell cautions against comparing ourselves to some unrealistic standards or one representation of deep, meaningful connection,” because there are multiple ways to experience deep and meaningful friendships.”
It may not be the group of friends that provides the deepest bond as we grow, and our relationships evolve. Yet, seeing posted photos of former college friends on yet another group getaway can stir something complicated, particularly when your own group has quietly unraveled over the years. But losing the group isn’t necessarily losing the friendships. It’s often just a shift: from a shared, collective identity to deeper, one-on-one connections.
Cantrell says it’s possible to cultivate a friend group if that’s what you want. But she cautions against doing it out of a sense of FOMO. Rather, seek out relationships with people you feel “I’ve got their back and they’ve got mine.”
This got me thinking: Even though I’ve lost the structure of the group, I’ve held onto many individual friendships. From high school to early career to a pandemic-formed crew, I’ve stayed close to a handful of people whose company I love and whose lives I want to stay part of. These aren’t flashy, all-caps GROUP CHATS. They’re thoughtful texts, long catch-up walks, late-night phone calls. They’re real.
Laura Aiello, a certified wellness coach and founder of LAYLO Wellness, works primarily with high-achieving women navigating the complexities of midlife — career transitions, caregiving for aging parents and shifting social circles. She agrees that more important than quantity is quality when it comes to friends.
Aiello suggests that instead of chasing the idea of the perfect group, we focus on building “real connections based on shared values and shared interests, not just shared circumstances.”
Close relationships aren’t simply nice to have; they’re essential to our overall happiness and well-being. A 2023 report from the U.S. Surgeon General’s office warned of the loneliness epidemic, a public health crisis. The report stresses the importance of close relationships with family and good friends to provide support that can alleviate stress and bring joy. What matters most is cultivating strong, supportive human connections.
As women, “we tend to hang on to some friendships from the past that they don’t really suit our needs, but we feel weird about sort of backing out…” notes Aiello. She advises taking time to really consider what we want out of our relationships and recognizing that sometimes friendships no longer fit.
While there are plenty of friend groups that are thriving, on and offline, I don’t have group chats anymore. And, my “girls’ trips” are always just me and one friend. It’s quieter, less flashy — and somehow more meaningful.
Are you part of a nice group of friends? How have you kept the friendships going? Let us know in the comments below.
November 6, 2025
