How to Keep Family Connected After a Divorce

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I will never forget the day when, as a young married woman, I came into my parents’ house and all conversation stopped. “What is it? Is someone sick?” I asked, my heart pounding. All eyes turned to my brother, Joe. Older than me by two years, he was my hero.

“Marge and I are getting divorced,” he said.

“No. You can’t. No one in our family ever got a divorce,” I said, trying to make his words not true.

This happened in the late 1960s, when I personally knew no one who had been divorced. A million thoughts ran through my mind. His wife, Marge, my sister-in-law, was my good friend. I adored my young nieces and nephews. What would that mean to my relationships with them? How would it be at holidays? That was a time we’d all get together. Was Marge being selfish?

I thought of my parents, my other sibling and close family friends. Would we be forced to take sides?

At first, I was furious with my sister-in-law. “I’ll never talk to her again. She instigated this,” I said. But my mother was a firm believer in not burning bridges, and she didn’t take sides.

“We know there was no physical abuse or infidelity, so it must be that they were just not suited to stay together,” she said. “Your brother and Marge have children. They will always be connected, so keep your priorities straight. Don't threaten, belittle or name-call,” she cautioned me. “Maintaining a respectful relationship with your ex-sister-in-law will be healthy for you, for them, and for our entire family.”

The more I thought about what she’d said, the more I realized that my mother was right. I loved my brother dearly, but I couldn’t live with him. He is unconventional, and I know how frustrating that could be. I put myself in my sister-in-law’s shoes, and my resentment of what I thought she had done to my family left.

There is much research on how stressful divorce can be, as well as many strategies from professionals on how to divorce amicably. My brother and Marge did just that. They chose to have an amicable divorce. While they did not become friends immediately, they agreed on key issues and worked out agreements on child custody, property division and financial support, and our family was never put in a position that we had to take sides.

Joe and Marge needed to process their breakup and move on from the emotional connections that had initially brought them together. Focusing on respect and effective communication, I watched as the friendship they had shared before they’d married grew back. Eventually, they reached a place where they became happy and supportive of each other.

My mother and Marge continued to share a special bond. And, years later, when my mom died, my ex-sister-in-law was inconsolable and confided to me that my mom had been more of a mother to her than her own mother had ever been.

When Marge remarried, her spouse, Brad, became a natural addition to our family. So when we had a 55th wedding anniversary party for my parents, they were invited. Marge sat between Brad, her new husband, and my brother Joe, her ex. When Joe salted his food, Marge took the shaker from his hand. “Joe, you know that too much isn’t good for you,” she said.

Brad laughed, “It doesn’t pay to divorce Marge. She never stops bossing you around anyway."

And then, when my brother began dating Kate, she and Marge became friends. Both my brother and Marge seemed genuinely happy and supportive of each other's new relationships.

Much has changed since the 1960s. My parents and everyone else of their generation are gone, but all of my cousins have remained close and have had their fair share of divorces. We’ve opted to keep all of their exes except for one, a total narcissist.

Divorce doesn’t have to be the end of a connection. I realized I was gay during my 25th year of marriage, and while talk of divorce was on the table, my husband and I have chosen to remain together. This past January, we celebrated our 61st anniversary, and our relationship remains strong. Openness has led to a larger, inclusive, loving family.

Now 80 and the matriarch of my family, I am so grateful that I have adopted my mother’s belief in not burning bridges. Recently, at a family reunion with numerous relatives in attendance, I looked around and couldn’t help but notice the diverse makeup of our large family.

My teenage granddaughter, recently becoming interested in genealogy, asked how we were all connected. Trying to help her understand, I took a large piece of paper and began to write. My cousins joined in with their memories of who was married to whom, and which children belonged with which wife or husband. By the time we listed second and, in some cases, third marriages among our extended family members, we’d needed to add more sheets of paper.

Our tree was getting wider and wider, and we were laughing more and more.

How many of you have stayed close with the ex-spouses of your family members? Let us know in the comments below.