Revealed! Here Are a Few of the Most Mortifying Moments of My Life (So Far)

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When I was 15, I passed a note to the cute boy who sat across from me in study hall:

What’s your favorite color?

What’s your favorite TV show?

Do you want to go to the Girls Turnaround dance with me?

He scribbled some answers and then handed the note back to me.

Blue.

Dick Van Dyke.

No.

I wanted to immediately transfer to another school.

If we all spent our lives with an Embarrassment-O-Meter hovering over our heads, it’s our adolescent humiliations that would probably register as the most painful. But even adult mortifying moments still make me cringe.

There was the time I walked out of a business meeting thinking I’d done A SUPER JOB! — Bonus! Promotion! Raise! — and caught my reflection in a mirror. I’d just made my big presentation with my mascara running down my face, looking like Beetlejuice.

Much Younger Me was at one of my first-ever cocktail parties and introduced to my first pina colada. What a yummy pineapple drink! I introduced myself to my second pina colada. And then a third. You can see where this story’s going, so let’s just all agree that blowing chunks in the middle of a social event does not lead to future invitations.

And I still shudder remembering the time I was running for a bus, hurrying down the sidewalk, scooting through the door just in time, grateful that I even got a seat. Unfortunately, something around me smelled terrible, so awful that the man next to me stood up and moved, as well as the woman in the seat in front of me. That’s when I realized that somewhere along my 50-yard dash, a healthy blob of foul dog poo was now lodged in my sneakers.

At least none of these were public embarrassments. Do you remember who won the 2004 Super Bowl? Probably not, unless you’re a New England Patriots fan, but you might remember Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” when her bare breast ended up part of the halftime show.

Private parts going public was also a problem for French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati at last year’s summer Olympics. He missed his big chance for a medal when, during his qualifying jump, his manhood knocked down the crossbar, resulting in a torrent of online memes and jokes about his hefty crotch.

But whether an embarrassment is front page news, or lesser but still wince-worthy, like a corn kernel in your front tooth or passing gas at the most inopportune time, there are ways to make a mortifying moment … a little less mortifying.

OWN IT

I’m hereby giving Hugh Grant the award for handling an embarrassment with grace. In 1995, after getting arrested for “lewd conduct” with a prostitute, he went on The Tonight Show and spoke with host Jay Leno about the fallout from all the humiliating press coverage. His visible nervousness and heartfelt apology endeared him to a forgiving public. And his career moved past all the hoopla.

LAUGH IT OFF

I spent my high school years in fear of: A PIMPLE! There wasn’t enough Clearasil in the world to convince me that the entire student body wasn’t staring at a giant flaw on my face. Until I learned a big lesson from my older brother’s girlfriend. Her name was Franny and she was cute and bubbly and did something amazing the day she showed up with a big honking pimple on her face: She acknowledged it.

“Can you believe it?” she said, grinning. “This zit has a heartbeat all its own!”

She taught me that if I made the joke first, I could stop worrying about anyone else laughing at me.

TAKE NOEL COWARD’S ADVICE

In Noel Coward’s play Private Lives, former spouses find themselves on adjoining hotel balconies while on their honeymoons with new spouses. Their marriage was rocky, but they were still wildly attracted to each other. By Act 2, they were passionately kissing.

“What do we do if we’re caught?” husband Elyot asks.

His ex, Amanda, answers with what might be the wisest advice ever: “Behave impeccably.”

If you don’t seem uncomfortable with a situation, everyone else will follow your impeccable lead.

REMIND YOURSELF: I’m human.

In 2019, a woman in the audience at the Broadway performance of Betrayal had a rather, uh, dramatic reaction to the star’s appearance. She started breathing faster and faster, heavy and heavier, pounding the arms of her theater seat, until releasing one long, satisfied moan. Her enthusiasm was reported on Page 6 of The New York Post, with the headline: DID A WOMAN ORGASM DURING TOM HIDDLESTON’S BROADWAY SHOW? (Along with a comment that the show was wonderful… “but you might want to avoid seat B-3.”)

Sometimes, you just can’t help yourself, so give yourself some slack … and enjoy the show. 

REALIZE: NOBODY CARES

When all else fails, there’s always my friend Kiki’s philosophy. “For crying out loud!” she says. “What’s there to be embarrassed about? Nobody notices anything. Everyone’s too busy focusing on themselves.”

I’ll try and remember that the next time I have a huge zit.


Have YOU ever experienced a mortifying moment like the above? Let us know in the comments below.