As an Older Woman in My 70s, I Now Crave Intimacy — But Not Sex

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An old story tells of a mother with three daughters who was explaining the birds and bees to the youngest one. After listening to her mother, the little girl exclaimed, “Are you telling me that you and Daddy did that three times?!”

By age 8, my stepmother had not brought up the topic. She was leaving it up to the universe, I guess, to share this reality. And as an only child, no siblings were around to break the news to me.

On a school field trip one day, a classmate sitting next to me on the bus asked if I had ever had a boyfriend. “No”, I replied. “Well," she said, ”if you want to get married and have a baby, you’re going to have to get one someday. And he is going to get on top of you and put his you know what in your you know what.”

Okay, I could stop now at the “he is going to get on top of you” part and go off on that whole metaphor. But back to the bus ride.

I had no idea what a “you know what” was, his or mine. When she explained, I was horrified. No way!

It wasn’t long before I knew a lot more. Books, magazines and movies were full of it if I just paid attention. I learned what sexy meant. I mean, even the Disney princesses, Cinderella and Snow White, had hourglass figures.

Over the years, sex never became as important to me as it was supposed to, according to the universe. Still, I fell in love, married and had two wonderful children.

Now in my 70s, I am twice divorced. Was my ambivalence towards sex a factor in my decision to end those marriages? Sure, but it was one of several factors, including Grand Canyon-sized differences in values, money and priorities.

Today, several of my women friends tell me that sex is better than ever. Some of them are approaching 80, and beyond, and say sex now is more adventurous, more caring, more daring.

I also have friends who no longer have or want to have sex. And I have one friend who says she has sex, “only because I have a marriage to keep together.”

When it comes to men, studies show that most stay interested in sex and consider it important in a relationship.

For example, an AARP/University of Michigan survey of 1,002 people between the ages of 65 and 80 revealed that half of the men who were surveyed said they were extremely or very interested in sex.

For women in that age group, only 12 percent responded, “extremely” or “very interested."

Clearly, sex can offer benefits for the health of a heterosexual relationship.

But that 12 percent figure tells me that there are quite a few women with me in the No Sex, No Problem Club. Married women, partnered women, gay and single women are members.

Why?

I believe the reason is that we have separated our needs for intimacy from a need for sex. Searching for research on senior sex produces dozens of articles, most of which are about improving your sex life. There’s a lot of advice for women and men about sex in their Medicare years.

These articles argue that sex has positive health benefits. These include reduced stress, improved heart health, a boosted immune system and better sleep. I learned that sex can also lead to pain relief, potentially increase lifespan and even improve bladder control in women.

Hmmm, I think the Depends route is easier for me.

And no surprise, other articles say that these same health benefits can be gained through exercise and masturbation. Members of the No Sex, No Problem Club already know this.

But what about meeting our needs for intimacy? For love, respect, trust and feeling safe enough to openly share our innermost thoughts and feelings?

An online search for “senior intimacy” results in almost identical responses as “senior sex." The search results for sex and the results for intimacy are both about sex.

However, a study appearing in the National Medical Library, affiliated with the National Institutes of Health, defined intimacy among older adults in four ways — emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical.

Physical did not mean only sexual. It included touch, hugging and holding hands.

The study found that the social relationships of older adults, including close relationships with family and friends, resulted in higher life satisfaction and were essential for better physical and mental health.

Friends, relatives, children, grandchildren, pets and social groups are all sources of intimacy. So are spouses and partners. All of them can provide emotional support and ensure we feel loved.

My take on desires about sex falls into the “it depends” bucket. It depends on who we are uniquely. We each must define and own our needs for intimacy.

I once had three business partners who were all psychologists. I was the only non-shrink in our consulting practice. One of them said something to me I had never heard before, although I later learned it is a well-known saying: Happiness is something to do, someone to love, something to look forward to.

No sex. No problem.

What do you think of the above? Would you agree? Let us know in the comments below.