Here's How to Tap Into Your Inner Sex Goddess

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When was the last time you saw a pin-up calendar of grannies in their 80s in thong bikinis? Probably never, since smoking-hot octogenarians are not (yet) prevalent cultural icons, even with timeless beauties still steaming up the screens, from Jane Fonda to Helen Mirren to Sophia Loren.

Sexy has no expiration date.

Data shows that for many women, our sex drives peak later than men. Some of us remain strongly interested in sex, albeit with decreased frequency, until the end of our lives. We all deserve to feel valued for our femininity and sexuality, however we choose to express it. Here are some tips for embracing our sensuality as we age, instead of subverting it.

First, let’s unpack the barriers to rejoicing in our bodies and sexuality. As part of menopause, our estrogen and testosterone levels change radically. Our body softens, our vaginal tissue thins, our bladder drops, our pelvic floor loosens, and our desire dips or dries up completely. Sex can become utterly unappealing and even downright painful.

Additionally, often our male partners don’t understand our bodies (if they ever did!). Many face performance issues of their own. Possibly, our marital sex lives died entirely long ago; 15 percent of couples report not having had intercourse in years or even decades.

Even if we are still practicing intimacy with our partners, we may be bored stiff (ha!) if we’ve had the same routine for decades. Having absorbed a few too many “good girls don’t talk about sex” messages in our childhoods, many of us find discussing sex with friends, doctors, a therapist and even our partners embarrassing or impossible. Lastly, according to the Centers for Disease Control, over half of us have experienced sexual assault, making intimacy fraught with fear, shame and disgust.

Phew! It’s a wonder any of us are having sex at all these days!

But it’s not too late for anyone. There are solutions. Just not exactly where you are looking to find them.

First, address the psychological barriers. Sex and sexual desire are healthy parts of womanhood, no matter our age, religious beliefs, sexual orientation or how far we’ve deviated from the American male ideal of a desirable female. “Women don’t need to abandon their erotic selves to be good mothers [and grandmothers!],” sex therapist Juliet Allen, host of The Authentic Sex podcast, recently posted on Instagram.

This truth is corroborated by Dr. Cynthia Graham, a senior scientist at The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, based in Bloomington, Indiana. “It’s all downhill after menopause — that’s the misguided stereotype around aging and sexuality,” she explained to me. “That’s simply not the case. Women’s bodies change, but many women enjoy sex more and they report greater intimacy, greater ease of orgasm and orgasmic intensity, and more non-penetrative sex, even into their late 80s.”

Next, seek help for your specific barriers to relishing sex.

Two recent books helped me tremendously. (And the best thing about books: you can read them in complete privacy.) Tell Me What You Like: An Honest Discussion of Sex and Intimacy After Sexual Assault by Katie Simon is one. Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure by sexpert Emily Morse is the other.

These two books tackle different sexual challenges, but they both start with the same recommendation: self-pleasure. The key to having a robust, satisfying, healthy sex life is learning how to touch your body and bring yourself to orgasm. Some women need lubrication and sex toys like vibrators. Sometimes we need A LOT MORE of both as we get older.

It’s never too late to learn how to please yourself. Light some candles, settle into your bedroom or bathroom and start exploring!

If your issue is physical, talk to your doctor. Keep in mind, though, that many well-credentialed physicians have had scant education in women’s sexual health, especially for patients older than 50. Choose a specialist or internist who has deep experience with post-menopausal women. There are also telemedicine groups dedicated to helping women navigate changes after menopause. These online practices can connect you with doctors who can prescribe hormonal replacement therapy, supplements and estrogen creams. And, of course, seek out physicians who accept health insurance.

Now to what I find to be the hardest part: discussing your needs with your sexual partner (or partners — no judgment!). Be honest, kind and persistent in your communication.

I am single, and a hair away from 60. One of my lovers was thoughtful in every way. He brought me coffee in bed, ordered goat cheese salad from my favorite restaurant and wore the aftershave that drove me wild. Unfortunately, between the sheets, at 66, he was still a clumsy 14-year-old boy who knew nothing about a woman’s body.

Before menopause, maybe I could have dealt with his lack of skill. But as my body got more sensitive, I could not stand his roughness. He routinely scratched my genitals with his fingernails and pressed too hard with his hands, his tongue, his organ. I faced a choice: stop seeing him or tell him the truth.

One evening, lying naked in bed together, I asked if he wanted to please me the way I pleased myself. “Yes!” he responded with almost comic eagerness. I came up with what I thought was a great analogy. He loved petting his long-haired black cat. “How do you know what she likes?” I asked. “Well, she purrs and presses against me when I touch her in the right places.” I smiled. “I’m exactly the same,” I explained. We went to it. It was INCREDIBLE. I congratulated myself for my assertiveness: Ask and you shall receive!

Then a few days later, we had sex again. He reverted to his self-centered ways, focusing on positions he liked, touching me too aggressively. Maybe I should have repeated the petting-the-cat lesson. Instead, frustrated, we broke up.

Aging changes our perspective on life, hopefully for the better. We all deserve sexual pleasure. Getting it, however, is up to us. Aside from that irreplaceable, feel-good glow, sex nourishes all parts of us, mind, body and definitely our spirit.

Sexual pleasure strengthens relationships, bolsters self-esteem and if with the right partner, can be one heck-of-an-energizing workout. The beauty of aging is discovering how easy it is to reject cultural dictums that older means colder in bed, and embracing that some hot streaks never flame out.

How many of you have remained sexually active as you've grown older? Let us know in the comments below.