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It was meant to be playful, a Coldplay concert, a kiss cam and a surprised couple caught on the Jumbotron. But when Andy Byron, CEO of tech firm Astronomer, appeared on screen embracing his head of human resources, Kristin Cabot, singer Chris Martin joked, “Either they’re having an affair or they’re just very shy." That's when the moment landed differently for some of us.
For many, it was a viral blip. For women who have been left, truly left, it wasn’t scandalous. It was something else entirely. It was recognition. It was a quiet mercy.
It was the kind of moment that does not scream but quietly tells you that your pain was real, that others saw it and that you’re not alone.
When you’ve spent decades building a life, a marriage, a home and a family, and you’re left, the loss isn’t just emotional. It’s existential.
You’re still there, holding the pieces. He doesn’t lose his job. He doesn’t retreat in shame. Often, he thrives. He finds someone new. Starts a new family. Everyone smiles and calls it falling out of love. Corporate culture too often rarely blinks. They use words like brave and authentic. And somehow, it becomes normalized.
But it is not normal for today’s middle-aged woman who has stayed. Who gave everything. Who, perhaps, paused her career, made less money, prioritized caregiving and poured her energy into building a shared life. For her, it is a rupture that leaves her reassembling her world in fragments, usually with fewer resources and a quieter voice.
After 27 years of marriage and 29 years together, my husband left me without warning because he wanted to date other women, or possibly already was. At the time, our children were 15 and 19. And while I’ve been fortunate enough to land a meaningful job, rebuild my footing and speak about what happened to me to help others, I carry a similar scar. The reality is that most women in this position do not get a graceful landing.
But this time, something was different. The moment wasn’t hidden behind closed doors. It was broadcast on a Jumbotron. People saw and talked about it. Byron, CEO of Astronomer, resigned..
Men in his position typically retain their jobs or find even better ones. They start over, reinvent themselves and are too often applauded for moving on. But when the betrayal is caught in public view, when moral outrage becomes undeniable, it forces a different outcome. He was seen. And this time, it cost him.
That’s why, for me and so many others, the kiss cam wasn’t about scandal. It was about something softer, but no less powerful.
It even has a name, gray divorce. Although the general definition refers to divorce in midlife, for many women, it means something far more specific. It’s when the cheating or midlife crisis doesn’t end in regret but in reinvention. When the affair becomes the transition plan. When the betrayal leads not to accountability, but to freedom. He leaves the marriage, starts over, and somehow that’s seen as a fresh chapter, a midlife evolution.
Since 1990, the rate of gray divorce has more than doubled, and the women left behind face a very different reality than the man who leaves in the middle of their marriage. The financial hit is usually especially devastating, considering that men still earn more on average, and women often take on more caregiving and unpaid labor during marriage. Most women who are left or betrayed do not maintain the same lifestyle they had before their husbands walked away. They live with less. Less space, less certainty, fewer choices.
Your social life also changes completely, another thing you did not willfully choose. Couples tend to spend time with other couples, and when you are no longer part of a pair, you are often left out of dinners and travel plans. With most of the parenting falling to me, as is often the case for women in gray divorces, I had less free time and flexibility.
While my ex-husband was dating and taking trips, I was focused on creating stability at home for the kids and adjusting to a smaller social circle and a very different rhythm of life.
One widely quoted study from the American Sociological Association found that women initiate 69 percent of heterosexual divorces. However, this number is often misunderstood. That ASA study included just 2,262 adults and doesn’t fully reflect the emotional, economic or safety-related pressures that often drive a woman to file, including infidelity, abuse or the need to secure child support or legal protection.
My husband left me, yet I was still named the plaintiff, the “initiator,” in our divorce simply because my attorney made that decision when we began dividing our assets. I do not know a single middle-aged woman who chose to leave a healthy, loving partner. Not in my life, not in my circles, and not in the circles beyond them, as is often the case for women in a gray divorce,
Ultimately, the woman who is left is expected to hold everything together. She does not get a guaranteed reinvention arc or applause for her courage. She gets asked to move on.
So, that moment, when millions viewed a CEO's arms around his colleague, was the kind of moment that makes women like me feel, if only for a second, that even the possibility of a betrayal has consequences.
Because betrayal so often happens in silence. It unfolds in text messages never seen, in decisions made without you, in lives quietly rebuilt without your knowledge. You are simply rewritten.
When the mask slips, even for a second, when the truth becomes visible, if only by accident, it matters. Not because we want shame or punishment. But because we want to know that we weren’t crazy. That what happened was real. That we existed. And that people notice how awful it is to be betrayed and left.
For a moment, we mattered.
Can any of you relate to the above woman? Let us know in the comments below.
John W. Tomac
Follow Article Topics: Relationships
