How to Keep Family Connected After a Divorce

I will never forget the day when, as a young married woman, I came into my parents’ house and all conversation stopped. “What is it? Is someone sick?” I asked, my heart pounding. All eyes turned to my brother, Joe. Older than me by two years, he was my hero.

“Marge and I are getting divorced,” he said.

“No. You can’t. No one in our family ever got a divorce,” I said, trying to make his words not true.

This happened in the late 1960s, when I personally knew no one who had been divorced. A million thoughts ran through my mind. His wife, Marge, my sister-in-law, was my good friend. I adored my young nieces and nephews. What would that mean to my relationships with them? How would it be at holidays? That was a time we’d all get together. Was Marge being selfish?

I thought of my parents, my other sibling and close family friends. Would we be forced to take sides?

At first, I was furious with my sister-in-law. “I’ll never talk to her again. She instigated this,” I said. But my mother was a firm believer in not burning bridges, and she didn’t take sides.

“We know there was no physical abuse or infidelity, so it must be that they were just not suited to stay together,” she said. “Your brother and Marge have children. They will always be connected, so keep your priorities straight. Don't threaten, belittle or name-call,” she cautioned me. “Maintaining a respectful relationship with your ex-sister-in-law will be healthy for you, for them, and for our entire family.”

The more I thought about what she’d said, the more I realized that my mother was right. I loved my brother dearly, but I couldn’t live with him. He is unconventional, and I know how frustrating that could be. I put myself in my sister-in-law’s shoes, and my resentment of what I thought she had done to my family left.

There is much research on how stressful divorce can be, as well as many strategies from professionals on how to divorce amicably. My brother and Marge did just that. They chose to have an amicable divorce. While they did not become friends immediately, they agreed on key issues and worked out agreements on child custody, property division and financial support, and our family was never put in a position that we had to take sides.

Joe and Marge needed to process their breakup and move on from the emotional connections that had initially brought them together. Focusing on respect and effective communication, I watched as the friendship they had shared before they’d married grew back. Eventually, they reached a place where they became happy and supportive of each other.

My mother and Marge continued to share a special bond. And, years later, when my mom died, my ex-sister-in-law was inconsolable and confided to me that my mom had been more of a mother to her than her own mother had ever been.