How You Can Make All Kinds of Friends After 60

When I moved to New York City from London four years ago, I was confident that I’d have no problem making new friends. After all, it had been a snap when I lived in that city in my 20s. It was easy to find pals to say yes to: “Want to grab a margarita at Tortilla Flats?”

I got married and moved to London at 27, where I lived for the next 30 years. I made deep, lifelong friends through work and my children’s schools. But when I moved back to Manhattan, this time in my late 50s, I discovered that making friends had become a different matter altogether. Women my age were settled in their own meaningful friendships that had evolved over decades. I did, too, though they were in London.

After a few solid months of trying, a gaggle of close New York buddies didn’t materialize as planned. I had to try new tactics. But there was a pandemic, so these tactics would have to be COVID-friendly.

An author friend of mine in London suggested I join an online nonfiction writing class that met every week, and I took her advice. My classmates were between ages 30 and 80. They lived as far afield as Los Angeles and Israel, with stories just as diverse: an Iowa-based woman with muscular dystrophy searching for a medical solution to her rare genetic disease; an octogenarian in Tel Aviv who spent her adult life helping victims of trauma around the world; a reporter; several therapists; and one insurance broker.

While we came from diverse backgrounds and experiences, we thrived on the feedback and support we gave one another. It was really like group therapy, as we specialized in memoir writing. Pretty soon I realized I had made new friends. I just hadn’t met them yet. And may never.

Close relationships deepen if you have repeated interaction and if you can delve deeply into candid and intimate conversations. My weekly Zoom writing classes had all of these crucial bonding elements. I rarely missed a class. 

I spoke to Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology and gerontology at the University of North Carolina Greensboro, and an accomplished author on relationships. A big believer in the power of screen-to-screen connections, she explains: “I intentionally design my own online classes to be incubators for relationships among the students, both personal and professional. Students are more likely to develop relationships with one another if you structure the class so they must interact with each other as part of the class.”

Marisa Franco, a psychologist and author of the recently published book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends, advises to seek out people going through changes in their lives, who may be more open to new friendships. She calls them “transitioners,” those recently divorced, recently retired or having recently moved to your town.