How to Support Friend Going Through Tough Times

After acknowledgment comes action. Instead of vague offers like “Let me know if you need anything,” be specific. “Can I bring dinner this week or next?” “Would you like company at your appointment?” Reliability, Seskin notes, is everything: if you say you’ll show up, show up.

I remember a time not too long ago that I told friends going through a difficult time that I was going to make homemade macaroni and cheese for them. I promised to drop it off one Sunday morning, which just so happened to be a morning I woke up exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was get in the kitchen to shred cheese!

But because I said I would show up, I forced myself to do as I’d promised. Camille Tenerife, a licensed psychotherapist in the Los Angeles area, points out that people in crisis often don’t ask for help. There’s often a fear of feeling like a burden — or of being a damper in the friendship — but we all go through challenging times, and there’s absolutely no shame or guilt involved in needing support. You can try reflecting on how your friend has accepted support in the past, and then hop into action. Little gestures such as a hand-written card  or a food delivery can go a long way.

It’s also important to recognize and be real about your own capabilities. Don’t commit to dropping off dinner weekly if there’s a chance you’ll drop the ball. Consider setting up a rotating meal drop off with others.

Stay Present as Time Passes

Typically, immediately after a crisis, support pours in. People may be lining up to drop off casseroles or cookies after the passing of a family member or friend. Flowers and cards come flooding in at first, and then, after some time passes, life goes on and it can feel like everyone has moved on — except for the person grieving or struggling.

After a friend’s dog passed away, I reached out to express my condolences immediately and promptly sent a sympathy card. But, recalling how painful the loss of my own pup had been, even months after saying goodbye, moved me to continue to be present and to continue to acknowledge the devastation. Social worker Keep connecting even after the initial crisis has passed, As social worker Seskin puts it: “It’s a nice idea to just reach out and say, ‘I'm thinking of you…’”

It’s when the calls stop and the world moves on when your steady presence matters most. Set reminders to check in, even with a simple text message. I do this regularly, actually — I literally put it in my to-do list to text my friend Laura whose partner is going through a midlife crisis and has their marriage reeling as a result.

I send my friend Carol quirky cards in the mail every couple of months. After her house burned down last year due to an electrical fire, she’s been hard at work rebuilding her life, both literally and figuratively.

Offer Resources Thoughtfully

After my friend received her MRI results indicating surgery on her shoulder, she spoke about wanting to get a couple of other medical opinions. Without wanting to pressure her, I simply let her know that the doctor who’d done work on my knee also did shoulders in case she wanted his info. I shared a link to his office and also warned her about potentially long office wait times. After my cousin declared bankruptcy due to financial troubles, I knew he was feeling down and not very social. Also, although I would have been happy to pick up the check at a meal out, I knew he would be too prideful to let me.

So, I did the next best thing. I made my famous baked ziti with sausage and drove over with my casserole dish and a bottle of red wine. He was grateful for the company — and the sustenance.

Consistent kindness and compassion top all. I’ll never forget the compassionate people who showed up for me after my dog Odie died last year. I had several phone calls while I was deeply grieving where I just cried and shared stories about Odie. On the other end of the line, my friends and my sister cried along with me. It was just what I needed in those agonizing moments.

I tend to think that it’s not how we show up — it’s about showing up, period.