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It had been more than eight months since my husband of 50 years passed away. With my new title — widow — I had much to consider going forward.
After decades of living as a couple, I learned to do as one what we had done as two. When that part of my life was in order, I needed to focus on what should come next. But what? I hadn’t a clue.
It’s time to move on, friends, both single and married, advised. But when and to where? I couldn’t even think about another man in my life, let alone in my bed, if that was what they were talking about.
But deep down, I had begun to think about having a dinner companion with someone other than CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, who reported the news to me each evening.
When my friend, Iris, who became widowed a year before me, called to see how I was doing, I fibbed and said I was just fine.
“And you?’’ I asked.
‘Really, really good,’’ she answered. “I met a lovely man and we’ve dated a few times. Nothing fancy,’’ she added, ‘’just a couple of burgers and a beer.’’
“I wouldn’t mind meeting someone,' I told her, "but frankly, I don’t know where to begin. More so, I added, I am fearful of being rejected.’’
Iris understood. On her first try on an Internet dating site, she met “two nice guys.” But when neither one called her for a second date, she felt discouraged.
She tried one more time and luckily met Rodger, a boyfriend with whom she spent weekends for the next three “glorious years’’ she said, before he passed away.
What was special about him, I asked? Although Rodger was not good-looking,’’ she confessed, ‘’he was caring, polite and a really good listener, something I missed since my husband passed away. What appeals to you at 40 is very different at 80.’’
So, fellow widows, if you want to give late-life dating a try, with the hopes of meeting someone with whom you can have fun or something more serious, here are a few pointers for how to meet, greet and, if needed, delete.
First and foremost, keep in mind that you are not the same person looking for love as you were decades ago when your main priority was raising a family and keeping a roof over your head. And neither is any man you meet at this stage of life the same as he was years earlier.
Your relationship can now be footloose and fancy-free, perhaps just being with a special someone to share a few more sunsets in these later years.
Experts tell us the best way to meet is through an introduction by a friend or family member who knows your interests and lifestyle.
Many find it helpful to join a group with those who have common interests — hiking clubs, senior center meetings, church dances.
Are you interested in travel? Shortly after my husband died, I explored London with fellow singletons through Road Scholar, a not-for-profit organization that offers innovative experiential learning opportunities for seniors. Cruise lines, too, have special activities for different age groups traveling alone.
Online dating is probably the most popular way of meeting someone these days. But single older women need to be aware of potential dangers on dating sites. The key is to know how to protect yourself from scammers while staying open to new possibilities.
If the guy pours on the charm too quickly or declares his love early on, be wary. Chances are, he might be a scammer who will ask you for money when he thinks his allure is working.
Blanche, an 80-year-old neighbor in my Florida senior living community, understands that quite well. As she told me, “I met Edward online, a handsome man and a real smooth talker who said he lived in Idaho. He said he would love to come visit me, if I would loan him $10,000 for a big project he was working on, coincidentally in Florida.’’ (Wink, Wink.)
Fortunately, Blanche soon realized she was being scammed, but later confessed that her feelings of loneliness almost overtook her common sense.
Making a date to meet in person? Take your own car to a public place like a restaurant or coffee shop. Let a friend know where and when you are meeting.
If you are computer savvy, you can search someone’s name on the Internet or check their photos to see if something doesn’t add up. Trust your gut; if something feels off, it probably is.
For me, joining a 12-week bereavement group at my local community center for those newly widowed was a major step for me to get on with my life.
It was the one place I felt free to share not only my loneliness, but my “if only’’ feelings of guilt. I could relate to the woman who felt guilty for not taking her husband to a doctor sooner and to the man who expressed guilt for feeling relieved when his cancer-ridden wife passed away.
The bereavement counselor eased our feelings when she assured us that no one, not in this room, nor anywhere in the world, is powerful enough to save a loved one when there is nothing left to save.
These sessions helped me get on with my life and know that it was OK to find love again. That’s when I met Phil (yes, on an online dating site), a kind and caring gentleman with whom I have been enjoying a delightful relationship for the past five years. And, we recently moved in together!
How many of you have found love later in life? Have any of you recently started dating again? Let us know in the comments below.
Tara Anand
Follow Article Topics: Relationships
