3 Guilt-Free Ways to Stop Financing Your Adult Children 

It used to be, pre-pandemic, that when I went out to eat with our three older daughters — one of whom makes more money than I do — I would reach for my purse when the check came. If they offered to pay, I would resist. “Who am I to take money out of their wallets?” I would think. I might as well have said, “Who am I to take food out of my children’s mouths?” 

Today, what’s different is that most restaurants are closed and our time together is limited. What’s not different? My penchant to want to pay. While I know better, I can’t help myself. When it comes to the kids, no matter their ages of 29, 32 and 34, my maternal caregiver and money saboteurs kick in and put up a good fight.    

 In 30-plus years of parenting and 60 years of life, my relationship to money has evolved. It started with learning these core values and behaviors from my parents and four sisters growing up in Wyoming: 

Money is stressful.

Education is priceless. 

We will be here to support you, no matter what. 

Be responsible. 

It’s not all about money. 

Greed is bad. 

You can do whatever you put your mind to.

For the most part, these beliefs and behaviors remain a part of me. They are like stones tumbled in a stream over many years, formed and banded with their own unique shape and pattern depending on the current or currency. As I have turned these stones over in the process of raising five children, going through a divorce and remarriage, and serving as a life and money coach for 20 years, I’ve focused on mindsets I can change. With my own transformation, I have been able to help others handle the complexities and challenges of navigating financial transactions with loved ones.   

Show me the way 

The following is a simple framework of head, heart and habit I offer to my clients, as the alignment of all three is critical to finding and practicing guilt- free ways to stop financing our adult children. Whether you are paying for dinner and don’t need to, or deciding whether to offer a large chunk of your retirement savings as a down payment on a newly -married child’s house, use the following check-ins before taking action. 

1. Check your thinking.