What My Life Is Like as a Virtual Grandmother

When I became a grandparent, I received the children’s book How to Babysit a Grandma, filled with things to do together like going to the park, doing yoga or baking cookies. It was a delightful gift, but it was published more than a decade ago — before there was a need for tips on dealing with a generation growing up with digital devices and, in many cases, living far away.

I never thought I’d need help connecting with family, but when my daughter’s job transferred her to Croatia, I had to adapt. I didn’t hesitate, and it paid off when I was lucky enough to have a chance to “babysit” a grandchild over the internet! Yes, that’s right – virtual babysitting! I experienced a delightful video chat that felt like the ultimate quality time despite our distance.

One day on FaceTime, my granddaughter was playing with Barbie dolls so I went to find the two I still have. As we began chatting in silly voices, my daughter, who was also on the call, propped her phone up on a table and left us alone. She must have liked this “babysitting” since she didn’t come back any time soon.

Sometimes when we called, I wondered if my toddler grandchild thought we lived inside the phone. If she was eating something, she might try to feed us by holding the item up to the screen. We complied, of course, making loud chewing and slurping sounds. Sometimes we had hide-and-seek moments when we would have to slide off to the side of the screen to “disappear” and then pop back up.

“With grandparents often living far from their grandchildren, whether by choice or opportunity, it’s important to accept the challenges of using screen time for interactions,” says Kerry Byrne, PhD, founder of The Long Distance Grandparent, a website for resources and support[DD1] . With ultra long-distance families living abroad, using video chat platforms like FaceTime, Zoom and WhatsApp requires intentionality. “You have to show up,” says Byrne. “Instead of saying ‘come talk to Nana,’ why not say ‘come play with Nana’?”

At home in California, Elli Haffey adopted Byrne’s suggestion for using visual props, even buying the same toys her grandchildren in Australia enjoy. “We both have monster trucks so we can take turns launching them from a ramp or challenge each other to see whose trucks make a bigger balanced pile,” says Haffey, who also purchased matching tile sets and books to facilitate connections. “When we do visit, it’s not like we’ll have to get reacquainted since we’ve been playing while we were apart,” she adds.

Living in New Zealand, anthropologist Helen Ellis, author of the Distance Families book series, has grandchildren in the United States, England and Scotland. Like me, she faces time zone and geographical challenges. Ellis feels that communication like an occasional text, a random photo or video or posts on social media, may not all feel equal. “Video encounters can start with good intentions but end early due to interruptions,” she says. “Or they can go smoothly, and everyone can feel good, looking forward to the next time.”

I’ve had to learn not to spend a lot of time worrying about who takes the lead for initiating contact. Aside from adult children with busy schedules, it can be a foreign concept for a generation that did not grow up speaking to grandparents on a screen.

While technology may be a great asset to a long-distance grandparent, there are people of all ages who are uncomfortable using video communications. “People may think it’s a barrier, instead of thinking about it as a missed opportunity,” says Byrne.